As I’ve gotten older, I find myself reflecting back to the relationships I’ve had. I honestly can’t say that I’m an expert in love. I’m more of an expert on how to choose the wrong guy. But in realizing that, I wondered why that might be. Why did I (and possibly some of you) think we’d found love, only to discover he wasn’t who we thought he was?
In the whirlwind of a new relationship, it’s easy to mistake lust for love — especially when emotions run high and physical chemistry is powerful and undeniable. For many women, this confusion can stem from the deep desire for emotional connection paired with the excitement of attraction. While both love and lust can feel intense, they are fundamentally different.
My weakness was always the “bad boy”. You know the guy, the one that reeks of sexuality and sets your hormones on fire when he looks at you? Yeah, you’ve seen him. Something about the “bad boy” always seems to catch us off guard and make good sense go out the door. But have those raging hormones muddled the brain into thinking he’s a good guy or has our good sense been clouded because we’re wondering if he’s good in bed? Probably so, but as we know…fantasy is not always fact. Lust is just that. It’s driven by physical desire and fantasy. It’s immediate, passionate, and often focused on appearance, touch, and chemistry. It can be extremely exhilarating but devastating and disappointing when we discover it’s not rooted in actual love.
There’s a saying that love makes you stupid. There’s some truth to that, especially when the early stages of a relationship are dominated by intense passion. But are we feeling love or lust? Compliments, his attentiveness, and physical closeness can feel validating and emotionally satisfying, which can lead to the belief we’ve found that true connection. However, this sense of closeness can be misleading. Real love grows over time. It’s built on trust, respect, shared values and mutual support. Love endures through challenges, while lust often fades when the novelty wears off.
Hindsight is definitely 20/20. Maybe before we get to that point, we take a moment to recognize the difference between lust and love and, in doing so, we might just save ourselves from heartache and disappointment. So, if you’re looking for love and not just a hookup, take a pause. Don’t jump into bed too quickly as that prince you think you’ve found might turn out to be a frog in disguise. But when we do make the mistake of choosing the wrong fellow, forgive ourselves for the error in judgement, then move on with the knowledge that real love is out there…but it takes time and patience to find.
And always keep in mind…the most important love to have, is to love yourself. Happiness and balance always starts there.